Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
