It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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