just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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