Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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