I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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