If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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