Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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