she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
