Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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