i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
