no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
