I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
