Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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