I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
