Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
