fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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