Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
