fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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