Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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