my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
