Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
