When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
smell my finger.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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