I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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