I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
