Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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