I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
