Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
