Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
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Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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