i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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