I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
