dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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