Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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