Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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