speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
