the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
