Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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