walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pants are for mortals
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
