I think my vagina is haunted
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
