you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
