If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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