if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I could make wine with my vomit
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
