I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
