I faked an abortion last night.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
