when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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