Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
