My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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