We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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