New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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