i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
