just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
