I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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