the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
