When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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