i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
