I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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