FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
