Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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